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let’s play who’s the dickhead here? (answer: the person who’s not me)

Here’s the situation: you’re in your car at the stoplight in the left turn only lane.  A motorcycle shows up off your front right bumper and gets in front of your car.  See the picture below.  You are the red car and the motorcycle is the blue arrow.


You notice him looking at his phone which is attached to his handlebars via a mount.  The light (a protected turn) turns green and he does not immediately go.  What do you do?

  1. Wait till he notices
  2. Honk
  3. Try to go around him and stomp on your gas


Answers #1 and #2 are both acceptable.  If you picked #3, congrats, you are a fucking dickhead.  Which is exactly what the guy behind him did today.

Now, should I have been looking at my phone at a stoplight?  Probably not.  You know what?  Definitely not.  Especially after essentially elbowing my way to the front of the line, I should have been more alert.  But what I did is legal and I have every right to filter to the front.  You being irritated with the way the rules of the road work is just too god damn bad.  And you’ve never looked at your phone at a stoplight before?  Never been caught with your dick in your hand while people were waiting on you?  Just thought, “Nah, I’ll put someone else’s life in danger because fuck him.”

I guess you’re wondering what I did next.  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Traffic was slow on the next street we pulled onto (one lane, see picture) and I left him in my dust as the cars stacked up.  Isn’t that what I’ve said in the past?  Let it go.  Well, guess what, kids?  I practice what I preach.


If you haven’t noticed, a recurring theme of this blog is that I know best and that I always do the right thing.  This is why I am the Czar of Transportation and you are not.

look at this poor sumbitch

And the NY Post actually gave her an article.  Of course they did.  As a quick sidebar, I’m going to refer you to my About page.  Remember when I said I no longer claim Portland, Oregon as my hometown?  Yup, here it is.  Portlanders.  I think it’s safe to say I found something else to add to my testosterone-diminishing list.

Let’s paint a picture of this couple a few years from now:

Becky and Tom (I forgot their names and I’m sure as hell not re-skimming that god-awful article) are in their mid-thirties and it’s been a couple years since their baby was born.  They’ve thought about having another but this first one was just so time-consuming and Becky doesn’t know if she really feels like taking that much time away from her dress business.  Technically, it was their business, but since the baby, Tom really had to take on the roll as primary caregiver because, let’s face it, the business was Becky’s brainchild from the beginning.

The truth of the matter is Tom’s passions were always more in craftsmanship, especially carpentry, but as they were dating, Becky told him they could accomplish so much more if they worked together.  Tom didn’t see anything wrong with that but one year turned into two which turned into seven and Tom’s business ideas never materialized.  And then, all of sudden, they were married?  Now that he thought about it, Tom had also always envisioned himself with a bigger family to go along with a different career, too.  “How did we end up like this?” he wondered.  Quietly he knew this may have been why he had dragged his feet and never proposed despite dating Becky for seven years.

It’s not like he hadn’t said some of these things to Becky before.  In fact, they had a fairly open relationship, communication-wise.  The problem was, Tom was just a pretty easy-going guy.  That’s one of the things Becky was initially drawn to, but unfortunately this never translated into Tom getting any of his desires fulfilled — in professional life, home life, or sexual life.  After years of this, it had just become the status quo; Becky was used to Tom just taking her suggestions and running with them.  It had been like that since day one.  Now, Tom’s realizing he doesn’t get satisfaction in anything he does with his life, save those few special moments with his kid.

* * * * * * *

Good lord, I need to stop.  This hypothetical is depressing as hell.  I think I can say that the story swings both ways (as far as gender goes) and both parties need to be honest about their needs and desires.  But I’m worried about my man Tom here.  Getting proposed to by your weirdo girlfriend in a goddamn forest princess outfit is the most emasculating thing of all time.  I’m not kidding; I can’t think of anything worse.

Look, most men think a proposal that’s anything more than a simple question is stupid.  We do the fanfare just for the sake of fulfilling all you women’s harebrained, romantic, overly-Disney-fied fantasies (and hopefully to get some awesome sex out of it).  But at least in being the ones doing the actual proposing we retain some semblance of our manhood — we’re taking the lead in the process and providing you with something.  That’s why I’m so anti woman-led proposals.

But this Becky chick?  You just cut off Tom’s balls, Becky.  No regard for anyone but yourself here.  You could have done this proposal with a manikin and been just as happy.

jury is still out on how wonderful this story is

It started with a simple tweet that caught my attention.

The video itself is inspiring, I’ll admit, and there are some larger societal implications along with it that   When, however, are we going to reach the tipping point?  When are we going to decide that every damn thing that means something doesn’t need to be recorded or photographed?  Photography is art — not a substitute for your undisciplined shitty memory.

The only thing that prevented me from calling the guy who posted this video, Fred Chaparli, a self-important asshole is that he claims that he asked for permission.  He could have been lying, but after reading the story, his story seems plausible.

Now on their Facebook page, however, CBS LA has decided to ask everyone to find the who these people are so they can, ahem, get more pageviews inspiration from the pair.

How about this: How about we quit crowd-sourcing videos and photos so we can pry into people’s lives? If they wanted this out there, they would do it themselves.  And now that I think about it, do you think these people knew he was going to put it on the internet?  Even if they did, should he have?  I say no.  He’s just furthering the madness and it’s got to stop.  Dear God, it’s got to stop.

Remember this story about the Eiffel Tower wedding proposal?  When it seemed like the entire internet was trying to track down the couple in some voyeur’s spy-pic?*  Hey, guess what, assholes?  Turns out the couple didn’t want their privacy violated and wished the internet had minded its own business.

You know what?  Fuck this story on CBS LA and fuck Fred Chaparli.  I’m sick of this shit.  You see something inspirational?  Then write it down.  Tell a few friends in a quiet moment.  Cherish the memory yourself.  Write a poem.  Sing a song.  Share it as a status update or whatever if you must (sans picture/video).  I don’t care.  But let’s tone it down with treating strangers like props in your own personal digital scrapbook, trying to tell the story of your otherwise uninteresting and uninspiring life.


*Journalistic integrity time: the photographer wasn’t really a voyeur.

favorite moment of the weekend (besides shooting that child while paintballing)

It was like scratching an itch that’s been in a cast for 4 months.  Like when Andy in Parks and Rec finally got his leg cast off.*

After losing Game 2 of the series in the most infuriating fashion, to come out Sunday morning and finally stretch our legs and let the horses run free… feels wonderful.  Sunday morning sweetness.

* Screw the Parks and Rec metaphor.  It was like beating someone to death in GTA with a bat.  It feels great.  And as the blood splatters on the sidewalk you think, “Maybe I should feel bad about this,” but for some reason you keep swinging.

everyone associated with this commercial (including people who like it) should lose driving privileges

Girl Power!  Right?  What a dickhead this guy was.  I mean, who just comes out and says women are shitty drivers? *  Doesn’t that make pleasant date conversation?  Apparently, this guy was enough of an ass that this broad felt the need to go home and get her little stamp of approval to repair her ego.

From every direction, this commercial is condescending to everyone and that’s why I fucking hate it so much.  And I hate the asswipes who came up with it.  And I hate everyone who says, “Yeah!  That’s right, gurl!” when they see it.  (It’s possible no one is saying that.)

On a superficial level, this commercial shits on men.  It plays up an old overplayed stereotype that all men think women are bad drivers and that we are all such assholes that we will tell them this the first chance we get. *  And we will do it in a way that is non-jovial, disregarding her feelings.  That’s condescending to men.

Now say this was the case and that this woman was offended enough by this man’s comments to go home, stew about it, and get supporting evidence (he clearly barely remembers making the comment).  Is she so insecure that she cannot defend herself without some outside validation?  Is she that weak of a woman?  Is some corporation’s (represented by a man’s voice) pat on the head what she needs to get her point across?  Pathetic display of girl power here.  That’s condescending to women.

And maybe the guy wasn’t being an asshole by talking about male versus female drivers in their previous conversation.  Maybe he was just trying to establish a little banter — you know, a little of the ol’ sexual-energy tennis match.  So what if he’s not very good at it and had to resort to cheap tactics like using played out “controversial” topics like driving.  She’s that big of bitch that she can’t take a joke?  That’s condescending to women.  Again.

This might be currently the worst running commercial on TV.  I’ve been wanting to sound off on it for a while but just haven’t taken the time.  I kept thinking it was going to finally fade into oblivion but since Allstate’s advertising firm has decided it plays well with the modern society’s bullshit view of gender politics it keeps popping up.  Ha.  The idea that they think this commercial is appealing to women is yet more evidence of this commercial being (you guessed it) condescending to women.


* Women are shitty drivers. **

** Women are not shitty drivers, per se.  Statistics are what they are and statistics pretty clearly state that when you put all women and all men together, women on average are less expensive to insure.  I haven’t looked at the numbers across age groups or races or regions so this could be out of date but that is the prevailing wisdom.  Ladies: the reason men think you all suck at driving (and you do) is because we evaluate driving abilities the same way we evaluate athletic ability.  We could play catch in the backyard and you could throw the ball accurately to my glove 10 times out of 10 and I’m still going to walk away laughing and say, “Ha, she gets it there but she sure throws like a girl.”  Now statistically, you did what you needed to do and didn’t make any mistakes but you looked like a dweeb doing it.  But if you were a man, you would have whipped the ball in there using a variety of grips.  Maybe I would be down in the catchers’ position and try to both catch the ball and then quickly sweep my arm to tag the invisible runner. So maybe the ball goes past me and into the bushes a few times or I drop it a few times.  Then, statistically speaking, we execute the catch more times when it’s me and the girl playing (and if you were “insuring” the ball against hitting the grass you’d give better rates to the girl) but the guy is the better ball player.  Make sense?

as if i needed another reason to fucking hate the athletics

Kazmir huh? Well, anytime you can help another team in your own division win your own division you have to do it right? No coincidence that it happens right before our series with the Astros?

BTW, I actually do think it was a coincidence. Just bad fucking luck. It’s the Jazz Kanter trade all over again.

The Machine doing what we pay him to do

Reposted in light of the fact that while the Halos are not quite running on all cylinders, they are close.

I think the offense is just about where you realistically hope the resting rate will be.  Yes, they can catch fire like they did last August-September but if we remember, fires can flame out and that offense went ice cold right before the playoffs.  This is where you want to maintain.  And they can realistically keep going right here.  Albert and Trout lead the way and other guys pitch in where they can.*

Batting WAR – Rank in American League (via Baseball-Reference)

  • Mike Trout – #1
  • Albert Pujols – #17
  • Kole Calhoun – #29
  • Erick Aybar – #38

Now the pitching staff still has another level it can hit.  Everyone is obviously excited about Heaney but there’s more to come from everybody on the staff.  Richards was solid again yesterday despite the L (off just a few bad pitches).

But I just get such a kick out of watching Albert at the plate.  Such a pro.  If a younger player grinned like that after a bad call you’d say, “What an asshole.”  But when it’s Albert, you just laugh.

*That hurts losing Mr. Freese and I’m not too optimistic about Conor Gillaspie but hopefully we can limp through the DL stint.

P.S. Looking forward to hearing fans boo the ever-loving fuck out of Josh I-did-no-wrong Hamilton tonight

rate the Blazers’ off season: I give it a B+

A friend asked me to rate the Trail Blazers’ offseason.  Here’s the summary of what happened from the perspective of everyone in the country that doesn’t closely follow the team:

  • Four starters left
  • Damian Lillard signed to huge extension
  • A ton of young, cheap players added to the team

To the outsider, this not lookin’ so good.  But outsiders are simpletons.  Here’s the positive spin:

  • We liked Nic Batum personally, but he never panned out and had played like a bum for the past year and for the past two years in the playoffs.  And he didn’t walk away, we traded him.  And Portland came out ahead in that trade, mind you.  Still, we parted on good terms.  A guy to clap for when he rolls through Portland.
  • Robin Lopez is a frickin’ weirdo, but we liked him because Portland is weird.  And it was funny how he fought with the mascots in all the away arenas.  But then he goes out and averages 9.6 and 6.7.  And he’s dicking around with mascots at halftime when we’re down.  And when we’re on a losing streak.   And then he’s tweeting about Star Wars and the fucking Muppets or whatever in between games.  In the words of Keith Armstrong, “You ain’t good enough to be an asshole.”  I got killed on the Blazersedge forums when I called him out during the playoffs and said management was going to laugh in his face this offseason when he asked for a payday.  Well who’s laughing now, idiots?  Portland fans will clap for this guy when he comes to town, but I don’t care one way or another.
  • Wesley Matthews, God love him.  We love him too, but he just asked for too much money coming off an Achilles injury (probably too much with no Achilles rupture).  Sorry, brother.  Not much else to say there.  He was a little offended we didn’t offer him anything, but he already priced us out of the market based on what he was saying to the press.  Glad you got paid, though, Wes.  No hard feelings and we’ll cheer for you when you visit.  Should be loud cheers for all that he gave the team.
  • LaMarcus Aldridge.  What a ride he had in Portland.  From playing third wheel to the Next Great Dynasty to being thrust into a franchise player to being Portland’s only truly great player to becoming maybe the best big man in the league to being the cornerstone of a contender-in-the-making to departing for greener pastures.   Whew.  I’ll say it again: what a run.  Here are the facts, though:
    • The Blazers were never going to win a championship with a LaMarcus-Damian core.  Sure, we could have hung out as a 3, 4, or 5 seed for a few more years, but the last couple seasons was a glimpse into the crystal ball, telling us that unless a miracle occurred in the form of a sleeper draft pick or major injuries to all other teams, there was not a Larry O’Brien trophy in our future.
    • LaMarcus deserves a chance to see a change scenery as much as any person in any job
    • LaMarcus’ best chance of success is with another franchise
    • He deserves to get booed when he comes back because
      • A) He’s now on the other team, this is a competitive sport, and therefore he’s the enemy
      • B) He chose someone else over us
    • He deserves to get cheered when he comes back because
      • A) It’s just sports
      • B) We have a good history with him

On the Blazers’ future, it is bright indeed.  ESPN ranked their young team (average age 24) pretty high if that means anything to you.  Most of the time, a team has to wallow in mid-level mediocrity for several years before pushing reset.  We were spared that and get to jump ahead and push reset while most of Damian Lillard’s best years are ahead of him.  We’ll know more as the season progresses but everything is looking very nice so far.  If you’re going to push reset, THIS is the way to do it.  Sign your best player, surround him with young talent, have a GM with a proven track record, a coach with a player-friendly offense, and let the players play.  We’ll figure it out as we go along.

i’m going to blame low incidence of teen sex on one thing: low testosterone in men

The other day there was an interesting and yet – for those of us who think the majority of modern men are pussies – not surprising report via CNN: Teen sex rate lowest since the 1980s.*

There are a few major problems with this.  The first is that no one seems to think this is a problem.  Now as a religious man, I’m supposed to say that premarital sex is a bad thing and therefore less premarital sex is a good thing.  Well, that’s not necessarily true because we’re sidestepping the question of why.  If infrequent teen sex is merely an indicator of a more problematic trend, then even the God-fearing might have reason to be concerned over the trends among the heathen.

The second problem is that low the low rate of teen sex IS hiding a bigger issue and that is modern men are pussies.  Sexless pussies.  This is really the major problem and we’re going to see how everything is but a symptom of this main problem.  Keep reading and we’ll find what’s causing it.

But first, watch how the problem compounds.  Even if people were willing to admit that there could be a problem with these stats from CNN, no one except people like me will come out and say what the cause is.  No one will even venture a fucking guess!  Nooo, we need more studies to be absolutely sure before we can say anything.  How about you just sack up and say something?  That’s what all modern “science” has become, a collective feminization of our willingness to say anything definitively – the way to state a conclusion in the most roundabout way possible in order to offend the least amount of people (and even then it’s often not soft enough).  Every time I argue with a chick or a sissy-male eventually I get, “Well, where’s your evidence?  What’s the stats on that?”  You know how many theorems Einstein just glossed over because he had bigger points to make?  But that’s another article for another time.  It will be good and have supporting links and stuff.  And I will sound like less of an ignoramus.

Back to the topic at hand:  Let’s go deeper.  What could be the cause of such a problem?  Well, a separate article could be written about each of the points I’m going to make but it boils down to there being too many activities that men are doing which lower their testosterone.  Or, rather, men are neglecting too many activities that would raise their testosterone.  (Finally, I get to the title of the blog, huh?)  And yes, I’m not a fucking doctor, so it’s a wee bit subjective.  Chill out.  There are three lists:  1) testosterone-boosting activities (manly activities), 2) testosterone-neutral activities (meh), and 3) testosterone-diminishing activities (sissy activities).

  • Sex-drive / testosterone / manliness boosting
    • Lifting for total strength (max weight)
    • Boxing or MMA training
    • Repairing or building cars / machinery / structures / other large things
    • Riding motorcycles
    • Cooking meat
    • Playing contact sports or golf in male-only groups
    • Watching sports without women
    • Kicking ass at work / making more money
    • Drinking hard liquor
    • Hitting on women aggressively
    • Getting up early
    • Building a fire
    • Doing something illegal
  • Sex-drive / testosterone / manliness neutral
    • Lifting for definition
    • Cooking things that aren’t meat
    • Cardio exercise
    • Watching sports with women
    • Watching Netflix or any network TV show with a linear plot
    • Video games
    • Drinking craft beer
    • Smoking weed
    • Having lots of female friends
    • Driving a hybrid
  • Sex-drive / testosterone / manliness diminishing
    • Porn
    • Yoga
    • Social media
    • Shopping
    • Eating lots of deserts
    • Driving a Prius or electric car (Tesla excluded)
    • Drinking anything not of a brown tone
    • Having lots of female friends (in two categories because the type of friends they are can vary widely)

“Oh, he just listed the most stereotypical male things in order of descending masculinity.”  Yeah, idiots, of course I did.  The proof is in the pudding.

Some activities I could not categorize because the variety is too wide.  For instance, I started to put the Arts (including film, photography, painting, music, etc) into the middle category but realized it could easily fit into all three.  So you’ll have figure it out on your own.  If you’re watching Ant Man, you’re firmly in the middle.  (Too much of that shit and you’re in the bottom.  I mean… come on.)  If you’re playing a Jimmy Page rift, you might be in the top.  I reread the Crispin’s Day Speech from Henry V last night before bed and felt pretty fucking tough.

To the men, if you doubt me, just experiment on these things.  Eliminate anything you do in the last category, drop a couple in the middle category, and work in as many of the top category as you can and see how you feel.  Just feel it.  Feel it in the loins.

To the women, spend more time with men in the top category.  See which ones you feel more like banging.  Be honest.

As a final note, keep in mind these lists distinguish between activities which promote manliness and which do not.  They do not imply, “You are not a man if you eat desert.”  Rather they imply, “If you spend all your time eating desert with your gal pals while shopping and checking Instagram, you will turn into a chick.”

The men of our society have gone too far toward the bottom two lists.  Bring back the sex.

For further reading, here’s a list of humorous stuff I’ve come across.  As I remember more of them I will add them to the list:

Grillax, bro

Gavin McInnes’ Sexless Assistant

* CNN seems to be grabbing headlines.  They admit later in the article that almost all of the decline occurred from 1988-1995 during the HIV scare.  Thanks, shitheads.  Well at least two other articles, here and here support my premise enough.

some internet things make me irrationally angry

Here are my latest irrationally-angry-ticks.

How infuriating are people who still say “Murica“?  Jesus God it’s the most unoriginal joke you can make.  In all its forms it’s unfunny.  It’s not funny to say on its own and it’s not funny to say to make fun of people who say it.  It’s literally never funny.  I’m this close to going nuclear whenever I hear someone say it.  The problem is I’m always in groups of mostly nice people and the person who says it is usually not an asshole so even someone like me still can’t bring himself to scream at him.  But I’m not sure I’ll be able to hold it in any longer.  I keep thinking it will go away but for fuck’s sake Team America was like 10 years ago and it still hasn’t died.

The other one is this shit that came out of Facebook or Buzzfeed or wherever millenials and teenage chicks get their expressions.  When chicks say it, it doesn’t bother me that much because I just chalk it up to another idiotic fad females say that they think is funny but really isn’t.  But when I hear dudes say it I want to hit them (And no, I’m not speaking in hyperbole).

It’s when they say some variation of “all of the ____”.  It’s supposed to be funny because it uses poor grammar (another stupid internet trend – intentionally bad grammar as a substitute for humor).  Here are two examples:

A comment by some son of a bitch going by the name Paul Revere on the Bill Murray scene in Zombieland:  “Walk in bill murrays house, get high then play ghostbusters with him. all of my yes

Listening to a emotional song and then saying this gets “all your feels.

Oh my, I’m going to think of this next time I’m in front of the heavy bag.


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