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a smattering of bill burr quotes to bookend the short week

People who know me know I am a huge Billy Burr fan.  He’s an incredibly talented comedian but also doles out man-to-man advice via his podcast.  Ole Freckles has a way of putting things that cut right through all the bullshit verbose guys like me spew.


On being single too long and turning into an asshole:

“There’s this critical point when you stay single too long when your brain switches from, ‘Nah, don’t say that,’ to ‘Eh, say it.  See what happens.'”


On being interesting:

“A good story is always you doing something wrong, you know?  That’s why nice people are so damn boring.  I mean, they’re nice, but their stories suck.”


On taking a break from our shitty modern world:

“You’re a kid, your whole life is awesome.  It’s awesome, right?  You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house.  You just ran outside into the woods.  You weren’t scared of nothing.  I challenge you to do that as an adult.  All your IDs, all your credit cards – just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can’t see your house, and not have a full on panic attack.”


On the reality of life:

Life doesn’t give a fuck if you don’t get the girl, it doesn’t give a fuck if you become homeless.  That whole guardian angel horseshit that this little Tinkerbell on your shoulder trying to guide you, it’s bullshit.  It’s on you.  And I know that can be overwhelming but it’s a powerful way of looking at your life.  You have the control to make it good or bad.


On going after your dreams:

“Realize that sleeping on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.

Top 10 Movie Douchebag Villains (i.e., the most hateable villains)

There are villains in movies and then there are the douchebags you hate so bad, you sometimes pump your fist when they finally get a stake shoved through their heart.  This is a list of the top 10 of that second group.

Here are a few guidelines for what qualifies someone to be a huge movie douche (this applies to real life, as well):

  • Must be an all-around prick
  • Must be successful, either monetarily or at least at what they want to accomplish.  Can’t really hate someone who sucks at everything.
  • Must be supremely self-assured and cocky
  • Cannot be in the “so bad he’s good” category.  Some villains are so awesome they disqualify themselves from the douche list.  Example of this include Darth Vader, Hannibal Lecter, Heath Ledger’s Joker, and Norman Bates.  What we need are villains we don’t have an ounce of sympathy for and in no way would we ever root for them.
  • For this list, he must also be the main antagonist in the film.


Honorable mentions (either not douche-y enough or not the main bad guy):

  • Count Rugen (Christopher Guest), Princess Bride
  • Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen), Casino Royal
  • Cruella de Vil (Betty Lou Gerson), 101 Dalmatians
  • Andrew (Allen Covert), Anger Management
  • Bill Lumbergh (Gary Cole), Office Space
  • Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro), 300
  • The White Witch (Tilda Swinton), The Chronicles of Narnia


More villains who are disqualified because they are just so awesomely bad:

  • Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz), Inglourious Basterds
  • Little Bill (Gene Hackman), Unforgiven
  • Shooter McGavin (Christopher McDonald), Happy Gilmore
  • Ernie McCracken (Bill Murray), Kingpin
  • Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem), No Country for Old Men
  • Scar (Jeremy Irons), The Lion King


Now onto the list:



10) Dean Pritchard (Jeremy Piven), Old School

  • Now what kind of douchebag list would this be if Jeremy Piven didn’t make an appearance?  At least the main characters get to mock him a bit this time.

9) Biff Tannen (Thomas F. Wilson), Back to the Future and Back to the Future II

  • I know we all love Back to the Future (it’s on my pantheon), but Biff fits all the guidelines above.  Most telling of all, there really is absolutely no reason to root for or sympathize with this guy.  He’s a bully, a rapist, a homicidal maniac, and a racist (probably).  The most satisfying moment in the entire trilogy is seeing George knock that smile off his face on November 12, 1955.

8) Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman), Die Hard

  • Starts out as maybe the cockiest guy on the list.  Then the switch flips and he goes into a prolonged temper tantrum when Bruce Willis starts wrecking his life and you can’t wait for that death scene that you know is coming.
  • Alan Rickman is our first multi-skilled athlete.  He’s played a fair number of douchebags in his time.  Snape, obviously, but even that bitter old guy in Galaxy Quest was a bit of a douche.

7) Prince John (Peter Ustinov), Robin Hood

  • At 5 years old or however old I was when I first saw this, I didn’t know what a douche was but I knew Prince John was one.  I’d like to think that all douchebags I’ve met since then all come from Prince John.  His voice and image are in the deep recesses of my brain and seep into conscious thought to help form my modern-day douchebag radar.

6) Agatha Trunchbull (Pam Ferris), Matilda

  • Chocolate cake might be the perfect symbol for this piece of work.  She terrorizes all the children and that damn chocolate cake she makes Bruce Bogtrotter eat is haunting me to this day.  Watching her eat cake later is then such a revolting sight, you just want it to be over.  I’m not even sure how much she qualifies as “douche” but the desire you have for this pig to die is off the charts.

5) Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix), Gladiator

  • I initially had him lower but I had to upgrade this punk after mentally revisiting the movie.  What a sniveling, spoiled, psychotic, sadistic twerp.  Everything was on the verge of being awesome again in the Roman Empire and then he threw a hissy fit and screwed up everything from Maximus’ family to the Empire itself.  Then he has the gall to brag about it and taunt the guy that could snap his neck in an instant.

4) Warden Samuel Norton (Bob Gunton), The Shawshank Redemption

  • This guy probably would be ranked below Commodus except for one moment.  When he has the guy who was going to save Andy Dufrense murdered.  What a douche!
  • Third most satisfying part of the movie (after Andy escaping and Red meeting him in Mexico): “I’d like to think that the last thing that went through his head, other than that bullet, was to wonder how the hell Andy Dufresne ever got the best of him.”

3) King Edward “Longshanks” (Patrick McGoohan), Braveheart

  • The fact that this guy doesn’t die is one of the largest crimes against America and our love of happy ending movies.  I think a few quotes sum up why this man is among the worst.
  • Longshanks: Archers.   English Commander: I beg pardon, sire. Won’t we hit our own troops?   Longshanks: Yes… but we’ll hit theirs as well. We have reserves. Attack.
  • (And then later…) “Not the archers. My scouts tell me their archers are miles away and no threat to us.  Arrows cost money.  Use up the Irish.  The dead cost nothing.”

2) Nurse Ratched (Louise Fletcher), One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

  • The smug factor is high with this one.  Thinking she’s so right and so untouchable as she makes a bunch of mental patients’ lives miserable.  As bad as Longshanks is for butchering people without mercy, Nurse Ratched even worse because she mentally bullies and manipulates people who are too weak to fight her.  And we were so close.  So close to seeing her get wacked.  Taken by itself, I think the choking scene is pretty brutal, but at that point in the film, you have no sympathy for this character.

1) Colonel William Tavington (Jason Isaacs), The Patriot

  • What an entry from this fucking guy.  I hate this little prick so bad that I’m still a little upset when Mel Gibson kills him at the end of the movie.  I’m mad that it was even a fight.  “Oh a villain this great deserves a great ending fight.”  Bullshit.  I want him defeated like he’s nothing, like he never had a chance.  Maybe instead of chopping the bejesus out of that British guy in the river, Mel should have saved that move for this guy.
  • Shoutout to Jason Isaacs for also portraying an exceptional douchebag in Harry Potter as Malfoy’s dad.  He’s like a 5-tool ball player.  Now I haven’t seen many of his other films, but I’m guessing all the characters he plays are kind of douche-y.  I don’t want Mr. Isaacs to be type-cast or anything, but when you have a gift, you have a gift.  And this guy is one hell of a douche.


Nothing like a little righteous anger towards fictional characters.  Maybe the amount we hate them is a testament to how well they are written and acted.  But maybe not.  Sometimes a douchebag is just a douchebag.

make your life the way you want it to be

Several months ago one of the podcasts I listen to, The Biggest Problem in the Universe, discussed the problem of “self-defeating thoughts.”  This problem is similar to the motivational adage I quote to my friends to irritate them, “Whether you think you can or you can’t – you’re right.”  I make fun of this statement, but in most applications it is true.  The podcast discusses a wide variety of problems from serious global issues to minor annoyances, but this problem resonated with the entire audience and comments, tweets, and emails of personal experience poured in.

As I wondered about the impact of self-defeating thoughts and how my own life might be improved, my thoughts got stuck on all the women I had driven away because I did not think myself good enough.  I thought of the many friends who had confided in me their fear of letting their partners down.  I thought of the countless blogs written by authors lamenting the pain of feeling inadequate.  I thought of a recent church fireside I attended with the topic, “Self-Love in Your Relationships.”

And then I thought of one of my favorite poems from William Butler Yeats:

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue, and the dim, and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams.
I have spread my dreams under your feet.
Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.

Would anything be more beautiful or precious than the heavens themselves?  If he could own the stars and the sun and the moon, he would give them all to her.  He would make them into a pathway upon which she could walk and upon which she could be elevated above all things.

“But I, being poor, have only my dreams.”

The truth is, you will never being able to give more than yourself.  Understand that you are what you are and you have what you have.  And for the right girl, it will be enough.  In fact, it will be more than she ever hoped for.

How would this thought change your relationships?  I think feelings of inadequacy coupled with the conflict arising from those feelings is the greatest hindrance for most people in establishing a nurturing and happy relationship.  For men, it is often the fear of not being needed or not being able to provide the person you love with all the things she deserves.  Most of the time, this isn’t about possessions.  It’s about whether you can give her the excitement, adventures, or common interests that you think she wants.  Can you be charming enough or smart enough?  Strong enough or artistic enough or responsible enough?  However, I’m sorry to tell you that this thinking is useless, irrelevant, and self-defeating.  To put it directly, you are who you are and nothing will change that; accept it and move on.  Easy to say, right?

Most people know everything I’ve written above.  In fact, after reading it, you should be either nodding or eye-rolling and thinking, “obviously.”  What no one seems to understand is how to live in a way as to overcome these problems.  As I wondered the same thing, a single line came into my mind: “Make your life the way you want it to be.”

This is a quote from About Time, a movie that probably gets dismissed a lot as being either sappy, poorly-written, made for chicks, or all of the above (and all might be true).  In fact, the only reason I saw it is because occasionally I feel rather blue and want to see a rom-com.  And every now and then, that mood coincides with HBO showing one of the few rom-coms I’ve heard of.  Most of the time when I feel this way, I actually don’t end up watching a movie, I just go out and wish my religion allowed me to drink.

In the film, the hero discovers he has the ability to revisit any moment in his past and not only live it again, but change things in order to make his life “perfect.”  There is not much by way of conflict in the movie, just the audience seeing the hero learn by experience the best way to live his life.  For a world full of people who often feel like helpless spectators in their own lives, here they can watch someone who has close to complete control over his own.

The ending to the trailer:


“Some days you want to relive forever, some days you only want to live once.”

Perhaps this movie is not the most wonderfully written or directed, but it has heart and presents a sentiment that I found neither melodramatic nor trite but rather quite lovely.  By the end of the film, the hero finds that indeed many days are ones he would relive over and over and others he would rather never relive.  But he realizes his life is everything he has, everything he is, and everything that happens to him, both good and bad.  Nothing should be skipped and nothing should be relived or redone.  He stops traveling through time altogether.

“I just try to live everyday as if I’ve deliberately come back to this one day – to enjoy it as if it was the full, final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life.”

Think of the guy in this movie.  What would you do differently if you could go back and redo anything you “mess up?”  How would you act?  What risks would you take?  What words would you say?

Now here is my challenge: even though you can’t redo it, do it anyway.  Think of what you would try to do if you did not have the fear of doing it wrong.  And then do it.  There will come into your life a richness that you did not know before.  Your experiences will have variety and meaning and be the type of experiences that would make you come back and relive everyday if you could time travel.

Be the hero of your life.  If quitting your job will improve your life, quit your job today.  If going to the gym will make you healthier, do it this minute.  If that beautiful girl will make your day more enjoyable, go now and ask her out.

Your life is ordinary; but your experience will be extraordinary.  You can make your life the way you want it to be.



uber driver who got smacked around is coming back for blood

via CNN

Uber passenger Benjamin Golden, 32, allegedly assaulted driver Edward Caban last month after Caban told him to get out of his car because he was drunk.

Before he got out of the car, Golden unleashed blows on the driver and appeared to try to bash his head through a window. Caban said he pepper-sprayed the passenger to end the attack.

Golden admitted he has intoxicated during the incident, and said he cannot believe he acted in such a violent manner.

“It’s not me in the video,” he told CNN affiliate KCAL of the October 30 attack. “It was hard to watch. I’m ashamed.”

He said his behavior is inexcusable, and apologized to Caban, saying he would like to express his remorse in person.

Shortly after the video came to light, Golden was fired from his job as a Taco Bell executive. He said he is getting help from a counselor.

“Everything’s fallen apart, and it’s my own doing,” he told the affiliate.

Caban is also receiving counseling following the attack, and is moving from California to be closer to his family, his attorney Rivers J. Morrel III said. He declined to say where he is moving.

“The trauma of the assault has affected his ability to sleep at night and focus on tasks during the day,” Morrel said. “Mr. Caban has filed a civil lawsuit against Mr. Golden, and will continue to pursue all legal remedies available under California law.”


Here’s the original news story:


Good lord, how soft has everyone gotten?  You got a couple swats on the head and then had to go in for counseling?  Relocating from California like there’s an abusive spouse after you?  Please.  If my Uber driver can’t handle a few slaps, I don’t want to get in his car, because people that can’t take a punch are also going to drive their car like a bitch.  And in Los Angeles, you better have your head on swivel.  I’ll stick with riding in some old Arab’s car, thanks.  I’ve seen those guys when they get angry.  They’ll die for their car.  These little pansy-ass millennials can go find another passenger.

Everyone understands that the attacker, Golden, is a scumbag.  The worst kind of drunk is the guy who gets belligerent, insults you, and then wants to fight you.  If you are that kind of drunk, guess what?  You’re an asshole when sober, too.

However, maybe I’m getting soft, but how much punishment does this guy need?  He got fired, he faces criminal charges, and he’s going to have one hell of a time finding a new job.  Now maybe he’s lying and exaggerating how bad his life as been since then but gee, wouldn’t this world be a little better of a place if we took people at their word more often?

At some point we’re going to have to be humans again and learn to forgive people.  If a guy sucker-punched me and then comes back, hat in hand, having been fired and publicly shamed, and begs for my forgiveness, I’m going to forgive him.  100%.  Shake his hand and move on.

The justice system is fucked up.  To go on the attack against someone via the courts and put them at the law’s mercy is no simple manner.  This guy’s life is going to be pretty hard going forward but you’re about to burn his land, kill his family, and salt the soil.  Over what?  Your hurt pride and a couple bruises?  That type of escalation is mob-level shit.  Like you didn’t pay your bookie and so he burns your house down.  You’re like, “Jesus, man, I get that I wronged you, but that’s a bit excessive.”

Golden should pay 100% of any actual pain he caused.  Medical bills, car damage, etc.  Make recompense.  But Mr. Uber Driver should grow some balls get over the “trama” bullshit instead of lashing out at this guy as if he’s everyone who was ever mean to him when he was a child.

Mormon church establishes policy on children of gay couples

Permit me, as a Mormon, to give a member’s perspective on the Mormon Church and gay marriage.  If you’re not interested in religious talk, skip down to other entries that contain my usual insults, foul language, and crude grammar.

LDS Church does not allow children of same sex couples to join

This has been all over the news.  Reactions are everywhere.  On one extreme we have members who are unsurprised and glad the Church is making a stand for morality despite the backlash from the rest of the world.  On the other hand we have those who hate the Church and see this as another opportunity to hurl stones.

But in the middle are many good people who are confused and even distraught at the news.  Well-meaning people who just want to understand.

Well here comes Elder Christofferson to the rescue:


It’s hard for people to understand that while doctrine never changes, Church policy changes all the time. Doctrine is given by God to the prophets and is based on eternal principles and eternal law. Church policy is created by imperfect men and is used for the administration of the Gospel and to provide practical instruction in cases where the doctrinal principle doesn’t. These men try their hardest to follow the Holy Spirit, but they are just men and are fallible. Therefore, it is impossible for policy to be perfect and we’ve even seen that sometimes the Church admits the previous policy decisions were wrong (like with blacks and the Priesthood).

That does not mean this particular policy is wrong or may ever be changed. In fact, we operate on the belief that it never will change. What it does means is that here is the point where members exercise faith in those who are appointed (not paid) to lead us. The merits of being a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are too great to be cast off because policy is not perfect. You may agree with it or you may not. You may understand it or you may not. The policy may completely correct or it may be changed later. But what we do know is that the greatest blessings in this life and in the life to come are found within Jesus Christ’s Church and following the His Apostles who lead it.

Whatever your circumstance, we believe that God is a fair and loving god and that it will all work out in the end. Some inequalities may happen in this life but that’s kind of the way the life works. It sucks and can be very hard, but that’s just how it’s supposed to be. Sorry if you’re just learning this. You may decide that something like this is too much and that you can’t be in a Church that has policies like this. As for me in my life, though, I have found (sometimes the hard way) that I have been the most blessed and happiest when I stick with the Church. So yeah, I’m gonna keep doing that. And I will continue to support the Brethren (Church leadership).





Not for nothing, but before all these non-Mormons gets too worked up about a policy affecting only a few thousand people, you guys realize we’re talking about a religion right? A religion that is based on supernatural occurrences? I know all of Christianity is based on miracles, but some churches these days don’t literally believe in the Virgin Birth or the Resurrection. Not Mormons. You’re dealing with people who literally believe that Jesus Christ and God (and later a bunch of angels) appeared to a 14-year-old boy and told him to establish the Church. Literally. Like, without these supernatural events, we have no religion. We claim no truth or authority. It’s hilarious to me how everyone gets on their high horse calling Mormons bigots over stuff like this when they should be calling us insane. Insanity trumps bigotry in my mind. If you’re insane, who fucking cares if you’re a bigot? So how about you leave us alone when we decide how to deal with fellow insane members who happen to be gay? And if you don’t think we’re insane, that means you’re religious, too, and must be insane as well. So you don’t count.



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