I understand that sometimes when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. But here’s the thing: I’m a little suspicious of your timing, like when we’re pulling into the driveway with a car full of groceries, and suddenly your bowels are incapable of keeping the turd brigade at bay a single moment longer. You rush inside to “drop the kids off at the pool,” and I’m left with a trunk-load of perishables to haul in and put away. Miraculously (cough), the same thing seems to happen at other inopportune moments as well, like when it’s time to herd the children through their bedtime routine, which you know is like putting squids in T-shirts, or when there are dirty dishes in the sink that you’ve promised to get to.
Also, my dear, there’s a huge, glaring discrepancy between the urgency of your poop and the time it takes you to finish. Typically, when you’re on the verge of soiling yourself—as you claim to be every time—business is over within seconds of sitting on the toilet. Yet here you are half an hour later, still glued to the porcelain throne with your phone in your hands. Something tells me your drawn-out dumps are more like marathon Candy-Crushing, Facebooking, virtual-deer-hunting, Game-of-Thrones-ing sessions.
Dear Scary Mommy,
Your husband is on the toilet so much because he does not like you. It is literally the only place on the planet he has that he can truly relax and only has to answer to himself. If you were not so annoying, he wouldn’t take so many dumps in lieu of being around you. Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but that’s the God’s honest truth.
Men value few things so much as they value peace and quiet. For some reason, women have a hard time figuring this out. But it’s been well-understood for decades (read a book, people).
Women claim they also love peace and quiet, but they don’t. Really, they don’t. It’s a tale as old as time. Remember when you were kids and running around the neighborhood? Which situation was more common: a group of little boys with a tag-along girl or a group of girls with a boy trying to join the group? Remember how Margaret would not leave Dennis the Menace alone? You see? It’s built into you girls to be social all the time.
But dang, sometimes you just need to leave us alone.
A Guy on the John