united airlines crybaby gets paid

United Airlines reaches settlement with passenger who was dragged off plane

What a magical story about the Asian doctor who became an international sensation on the internet after he chose to make a random United flight his hill to die on.  All these internet heros who blew up at United and ran to his defense are morons who were just stooges helping him get rich because he was too effing stupid to get off the plane.  They are bigger idiots than he was for getting himself tased in the first place.

This guy wasn’t standing up for anything.  He wasn’t some kind of martyr.  He got screwed by United’s small print and then escalated the situation until they tased his ass to get him off the plane.

You think I’m being unfair to him?  Then I’m sure you would have sat there until they tased you right?  Willingly waited to get nearly electrocuted just because you don’t want to take the next fight?  No, you would have grumbled and got off the plane like a human instead of being dragged off like luggage.

If you still don’t believe me, let’s run the clock back and replay the chain of events that got us here.  Imagine you were the Asian doctor and you just let me know when you would have tapped out.  Spoiler Alert: you tap out before you get tased.

(Note: This is a reenactment and may be slightly dramatized for effect.)

Airline Crew: “Attention ladies and gentlemen.  We overbooked the flight.  Our bad.  We do this so we can make more money and be happier with our lives.  Four of you must deplane.  We’ll give you a few hundred bucks via a voucher or whatever”

[No one moves.]

Airline Crew:  “Make that $800.”

[No one moves.  Depending on my schedule, here is where I tap out and take the free flight.]

Airline Crew:  “Look, assholes, four of you are getting off the plane.  You can volunteer or you can get randomly selected and summarily booted.”

[No one moves, believing 4/300 are pretty good odds.  They are right.]

Airline Crew:  “Alright we’ve selected 4 people.  Thank you to the first 3 people who are understandably upset, but realized they have no choice and are walking off the plane and taking their dignity with them.”

[Dr. Idiot doesn’t move.  9 times out of 10, if I passed on the initial ticket offering and they draw my name, this is where I tap out and leave.  This is also where most of you leave.  Don’t lie.]

Airline Crew:  “Uh, sir?  We’re very sorry… but you got to get up and get the hell off our plane.”

[Dr. Idiot doesn’t move.  This is where the rest of you tap out.]

Airline Crew:  “You are now trespassing and are required by law to get off the plane.”

[Dr. Idiot still doesn’t move.  Here is where I tap out and I’ve only stayed this long if I’m in the mood to be an asshole.  I make a lot of loud comments about Nazi Germany while leaving.]

Airline Crew:  “Look, sir, you can walk off the plane, or we can drag you off the plane kicking and screaming.  That’s how we roll.  That’s how we get down.  [Leans in.]  Go ahead, try me, dickhead.  Cause I would love it.  You step to me you’re gonna get played.  That’s the truth.  I keep it 100.  I’m from the hood, asshole.  You think I give a shit about you?  You think I give a shit about this job?  Man, I’ll rip you up out of that seat and kick your ass up and down the tarmac!  I’ll do it just for fun!  You wanna dance?!  Let’s go!  You feeling strong?!  Fuerte?!”

[Dr. Idiot ignores him.  He closes his eyes and tries to transcend the vulgar, mundane world.  His body remains an immovable mountain.  Airline Crew prepares to test that claim.]

Airline Crew:  “Here is a taser.  This is going up your ass if you don’t move.”


Aaaaaand scene.  I think we all know how the rest played out.

The moral of the story is this: once they decide you’re getting off the plane, you WILL get off that plane.  To those utter buffoons who ran indignantly to this dope’s defense, what exactly did you want the airline people to do?  They tried using words like civilized people, but Dr. Dipshit wasn’t having it.  This situation resolves in one way: the man getting off the plane.  Yes, it may hurt feelings.  And yes, it may be bullshit fine print that allows them to do it, but they definitely can do it.  End of story.

At least it provided most of you the chance to throw a little tantrum and stamp your little feet and get some respite from the rest of your boring lives, probably spent waiting for the new season of Game of Thrones.


PS. From my experience, I’d have to say old Jewish people and old Asian people are the most stubborn people in the world.  (Although this would never happen to a Jewish guy.  No way an older Jewish gentleman allows himself to get tased when all he has to do is stand up and walk.)  Not saying stubbornness is a good thing or a bad thing, I’m just saying that’s how I perceive it.  In this case, however, stubbornness ended up being a very good thing.  Homeboy paid.

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One Response to united airlines crybaby gets paid

  1. Fred says:

    This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. Ive seen a few devils advocate trolls try to take Uniteds side for the giggles, but to completely defend it, wow. No, they cant drag you off the plane once you have sat down unless you are causing a problem. They had no right to ask anyone to get off. They could have booked the employees on another flight. They could have offered even more money. Most airlines go up to $1300, and thats before you get on the plane. Thats the thing. They screwed up, they have to eat it. Not this man. I certainly would have volunteered at around $800 or negotiated, unless I had somewhere to be, altho I would be less likely to do so once I sat down. But clearly a lot of people had to get there, so the demand price is much higher. And for being cheapskates, United has lost millions.

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